I wrote this in a few sittings, each time feeling a little different. It has been a week now and I think I am living again!!! I have been taking deep breathes and when I look back at everything, I wish I would’ve just lightened up… but it is always easier said than done..
Up till this year, I have been a crusader for physical planners and agendas. But with the new school year, I decided to switch to Google Calendar. I logged all the dates of my breaks and birthdays and upcoming concert dates. That was when I found out I double-booked myself for both the Beabadobee and The Dare tickets… Since school started, I have been checking my gCal like a bible. When I first wake up, I look at my tasks and classes for the day. When I am bored in class, I open up a new tab on my laptop to check my tasks for the near future. I swear I never cracked open my agenda or journal this many times a day.
After a while, I felt like a bot running through a code. I would look at the red line passing slowly inch throughout my day, passing through one colored block to another. The day passes, I sleep, I wake up; even though my eye just opened, it’s already fatigued. I have never been good with dealing with stress— I am either happy-go-lucky or a tangled ball of yarn. As of the late, fear has been a prevalent part of my vocabulary, even more than usual. I fear this, I’m afraid of that— I need to go and rake my brain like a zen garden.
One night, Harmonia, Seo, and I decided to sporadically go get ice cream at Milkbomb. Seo mentioned something about how spontaneity and I think she pinpointed something I was feeling as I was listlessly going through life. Spontaneous is not the first word I would describe myself as but I was aching for a change in pace.
Maybe I have been spoiled by my summer in London. I would take the bus to the other side of town whenever I had nothing to do (often) and wander around aimlessly through the canals and to new parks. And its not like an impossible dream to translate to my current life.
I feel so strange: I can’t stand being completely out of a routine yet I can not stand a strict regimen of life. This is like Goldilocks and her perfectly warm bowl of porridge. I just picked up my lost transit card from the UCPD so the world is once again my oyster.
I have been feeling so distant from my own self these past few weeks. It’s crazy because I felt so in touch with my own head and heart just a few weeks ago. I’m so fickle.
The Supermoon is tonight. I’m a pretty symbolic person; I think clearing out my thoughts and releasing patterns I want to break is wise. Farewell gloom and doommmmm ( ･ω･)ﾉ
There were so many things I was looking forward to this semester!!! I must keep them at the forefront of my head.
Maybe I should start taking afternoon naps. I will return to my equilibrium soooo soon…
I relate so much to the sentiment of not getting used to routine or the lack thereof; somehow the grass always appears greener on the other side and I always end up wanting a change of pace.
The cycle of feeling "either happy-go-lucky or [like] a tangled ball of yarn" is very relatable, but also part of college life and growing up. after all, if we never felt like a tangled ball of yarn, how would we appreciate moments where we can be happy-go-lucky? There is always a light at the end of the tunnel and I know you will feel the sun on your back soon again.